Thursday, August 5, 2010

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing....

   For those of you who have been pregnant, you know how the last few weeks feel. You are caring around 30plus extra weight, you can feel the blood pumping through your face, hands and feet from the pressure of the swelling.... the crossing your legs so you don't pee every time you laugh, cough or sneeze, the rocking to just get up from the chair, the braxton hicks and painful jabs to the rib cage and bladder just to name a few. You're anxious, tired, and irritable to say none the least.

   With my twins pregnancy, I never once had a false alarm. If I was having braxton hicks contractions, I wasn't aware- someone in my stomach was always moving so it always felt tight and weird. I had the kind of labor you see in the movies. At 37 weeks, I was a week and half away from my planned c-section and had no signs of labor- no dilation, no concerning contractions, no leaking of anything. We had our dear friends over for dinner ( taco night, so maybe there is something behind the spicy food theory). I remember being on the phone with my mom and saying " You know, if it wasn't for this planned c-section, I think I would actually go past my due date". I went to bed feeling normal and great, only to be woken up with a burst of warm liquid at 3am. Jumping out of bed, I ran to the bathroom for the second twins sac to break, and I hear my husbands scared voice- "Ah, Shannon?" My heart started racing, and merely replied, " My water just broke". With out any prompt from me, my amazing husband got up and called the hospital to let them know we would be on our way, but that's about as far as he got before the panic set in and he just kind of froze. I came out of the bathroom to find him starring at his shorts that he had lay on the bed. He looked at me with terror in his eyes and said, "What do I do" Me being the great preparer I am had made a folder weeks ago with all our paperwork, a list of what we needed to bring and a list for what Charlie needed to do. He had to come and ask me after he finished each task on the list what to do next, and I just kept telling him to follow the list. As panicked as he was, I was just as calm. I hadn't felt a thing yet, not one contraction, and it didn't feel real let alone like we needed to rush. I looked over at him as we were driving to the hospital, his hands 10 and 2, gripped tightly around the wheel and eyes wide open like a deer in the head lights and I asked if he wanted me to drive. He relaxed slightly after that. I just remember not being worried about anything that night. All I felt was almost an eerie peace- like I was floating- and an excitement to hear the boys first cry. After months of sitting at home watching The Baby Story on TLC, that first cry was all I could think about. I wasn't even dilated when I got to the hospital, but almost immediately when they hooked me up to the monitor the contractions started and they went fast. I went from 0-5 within a half hour and my firstborn's head was starting to crown.

My poor OB, he had already had 3 emergency deliveries that night and had just gotten in bed when he got our call. He wanted to let me labor till 9am but with how quickly I progressed he got called in asap. Just under 2 hours from when my water broke, I heard my boys first crys, 1 minute apart via c-section.

Its hard to really remember that first day because everything went too fast and I was a little loopy from the spinal tap and the pain meds. I wish I could remember it more clearly. The things I do remember was holding them both for the first time back in our room, one in each arm, the warmth of their little bodies on mine and the sweet smell of newborn baby. I remember the feeling of them latching on to me and thinking "Why do women complain about breastfeeding? This is the most amazing feeling in the world!" ( Give it a week or so with pumping and my breasts would say otherwise) I remember watching my husband from my bed change their first dirty diaper and learning how to swaddle these two little peanuts that looked just like him and nothing like me and the sweep of sadness that came over me that I couldn't get out of bed and take care of them myself. The twinge of guilt of having a c-section verses natural. A part of me will always regret that, even though I know it was for their best interest.

I'm now 37 weeks with my little girl and I feel completely different this time around. Mostly because this pregnancy is high risk and there are so many unknowns about when shes born and what she will be like and also because we live so far from the ideal hospital for her to born at. I feel like I am going to go any minute and have already had 4 false alarm trips to the hospital, including last night ( It was probably a mistake to spend so much time out in the heat at the park). I really thought yesterday would be the day. They want me to come in if I have the slightest feeling that labor has started because they want to have enough time to transport me to the right hospital. I definitely feel the braxton hicks with this pregnancy- frequently- and yesterday they got closer then 10mins apart for over 2 hours. I showered and got ready, a luxury I did not have when my water broke with the boys, and got all the bags together for my husband to put in the car. I had to wait for him to come home from work and for my mom to come over to watch the boys. Charlie was nervous again, but not panicking. No, he was doing his "I'm going to try to turn everything into a joke to lighten the mood" thing which is not how I like to deal with stressful situations. I'm more of the be quiet and get in a zen type of person... I want to concentrate on the situation so I can mentally handle my emotions and prepare for any oncoming pain or uncomfortableness. This clash of personalities always causes problems for us and doesn't help either one of us in already stressful situations.

It was a busy night in OB-Triage last night- it must have been the tropical storm that swept through late that afternoon- we drove in torrential down pour to the hospital. They had no bed for me in the OB-Triage and we had to wait over a half hour to just get checked.
Of course by then, my contractions had started to spread out again. I would have one really intense one about every 15-20mins and then just little 3 to 5 second ones that didn't even hardly register in between. And I wasn't dilated at all. (Which I still don't understand why that is so important because I didn't start dilating till after my water broke with the boys and I thought the idea was to catch me before I get to that point to get me to the right hospital)

I left the hospital frustrated at yet another false alarm... I just want someone to tell me that I have to go to the other hospital and just keep me there till its time so that I can relax and not worry about delivering here and being separated from my new baby when they have to heliport her to the other hospital and I am stuck in c-section recovery here for 2 to 3 days.

I had a regular appointment this morning and the contractions were still closer then ten minutes apart. No one seems to concerned, and just recommends resting as much as possible- which isn't the easiest to do with two two year olds in your care, jumping on you. I am ashamed to say that movies have become my babysitter most days. I'm creating two little tv addicted monsters but I don't feel like I have much of an option- I cant play with them all day right now. And it looks like our daily outings are out of the question now- I'm to stay out of the heat and keep my feet up as much as possible.

I'm just trying to keep in perspective its only 10 more days and 8 more till my Dad and Stepmom get here to help with the boys. My mom is being a huge help as well, stepping in and watching the boys when she can. O and sweet nap time, my favorite 2 hours of the day. Two full hours of peace and quiet- no tv, no screaming kids- to just sit and relax and even get some shut eye if I can relax enough to do so. Its about that time now :)

2 comments:

  1. Shannon you are a beautiful writer. I love hearing about all you went through and can't wait to see your sweet baby girl. I have 8 weeks and a couple of days left of my pregnancy until Lilly Isabelle will arrive. I say atleast twice a day still, "I can't believe im pregnant" ..which for some is very weird to hear comming from a 8 month pregnant bellied lady. For me however nothing seems real when I try to picture how much life will change when she arrives.
    You have been a blessing to watch on facebook throughout my pregnancy. I was actually talking about you to some girls at work the other day.
    You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I know your daughter is going to be fabulous! Fabulous Fiona :) xo

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  2. And it wont seem real until its Lilly's first birthday and you try to think back about life before her and can't imagine it any other way :) Im so happy for you and your fiance, and am keeping you in my prayers as well. The last months of pregnancy are no picnic.

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