Friday, September 17, 2010

Hang in There

 Well, its back to work on Tuesday... and I'm not ready. By this time, after having the boys, I was itching to get out of the house and back to work to have some space and time for myself- but the boys were healthy. I get more and more scared for Fiona each day. The doctors seem confident that I will know when somethings not right, but I don't feel the same confidence in myself. Fiona Hope turned one month old yesterday. That really flew by. Our little 6lb 8oz baby is now pushing 8lbs.

   The cardiologists are talking surgery in the next two months. And I am praying that she can stay strong for those two months. I broke down today, holding her and thinking about losing her so young. As if a cruel joke, there is a new country song on the radio, that played yesterday on our drive home from the cardiologist, about a girl dying too young. I know I am not supposed to think this way, but its a real possibility that I can't just push aside. The surgery she needs has a very high success rate, but not so much if they have to do it earlier then 3 months. And the doctors seem very concerned that she may need it sooner then 3 months. These next two weeks are crucial. I don't know all the medical details other then something happens with all babies blood flow around 6 weeks of age, and if the medicine they have her on can't keep enough blood out of her lungs, they will have to take the more drastic route.

Fiona and Emma- another miracle baby born at 32 weeks gestation. We love you Emma Rose

   I feel like the boys need my attention more then her because she just sleeps all day. There really is nothing that I can do with her or for her besides hold and feed her. The boys need so much more, but I want to spend as much time with her as I can. You hear stories of kids that beat all kinds of odds and are healed just from love and touch from their family. I recently read a story of a little girl, born at 24 weeks gestation, and her four year old brother. He sung to his mommy's belly everyday throughout the pregnancy "You are my sunshine". After she was born, he begged and begged to go see her, but he was too young to be allowed in the NICU. The doctors lost hope for the little girl and so the parents pleaded that their son be able to see his sister once before she died. He sung "you are my sunshine" to his dying sister, and with each word of the song, her vitals improved. God uses more then just medicine to heal people.

   Gavin and Breiden are so attentive to her. They let me know when shes crying and gently tell her "No crying sisser" They really are good around her, for two year olds. I long for the day when I can take her out of the house so we can get back to going to the playground and running errands. Charlie takes them out swimming almost every morning, and Fiona and I joined them pool side the other day for a little bit. Just this week, the boys started swimming with no swimming vests! It was my goal to have them swimming by the end of the summer, and mid September is pretty dang close. I don't know if  its normal for a two year old to be jumping off the edge of the pool and diving for rings, but they do it. Watch out Michael Phelps.

    Fiona has been sleeping so well- 7 hours average a night. I thought the boys were amazing to be doing that at 3 months! She is such a peaceful baby, which is very good according to her doctors. That's what they want to see. Fussiness means something wrong. So of course, any time she isn't perfectly peaceful, I'm a mess worrying whats wrong. Its almost always gas. The major thing they want us looking out for it trouble eating- which as of right now she definitely doesn't have. She is eating 3 plus ounces 6 plus times a day at just one month of age. If she starts struggling through her feedings or drops how much she is eating, we call. If her breathing gets shallow and rough, we call. If her color loses its pink and gets dusty, we call. My dilemma is, as it was with labor, do I be overly cautious and have a million false trips and a medical bill that would make you faint, or risk missing something and lose her. Of course, be over cautious and slightly lose my mind worrying. "Don't let your prayin knees get lazy, and love like crazy"

( I finally added pictures from the hospital and Fiona's casts to the blog Back to the Hospital)

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