Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I'm scared

Some days are just harder then others. As any working parent knows, its hard to be at work on an unproductive day when you could be spending quality time with your kids. Its a slow day at work (obviously since I'm on here writing). All morning long, doctors, therapist and case workers having been calling to get updates on Fiona. It was one phone call after another of discussing plans of action and hearing them talk about my "poor little baby girl". And somewhere in the mist of saying the date of her heart surgery out loud, I started to shake. 5 more weeks till her surgery.

My husband brought the kids up to my work to have lunch and I held her and just stared at her. I've been letting my mind go to that dark place that your not supposed to go. I've been picturing tiny caskets and holding her cold hand and having to slap myself to regain my composer.

I'm scared.

I've also done the other thing you aren't supposed to do- go on the Internet. I've read mommy blogs of moms that have lost their little blessings and you can feel in their words life just isn't as beautiful anymore. I've always felt that I could handle anything God threw at me but I've never experienced losing someone that I loved in the deepest part of my bones. There is no doubt in my mind that I will get through these next few months, I'm just scarred of the person I may become if I lose her.

I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs when people tell me she'll be fine, " YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!" I'm back to feeling that same anxiousness I had before she was born, but this time its ten times stronger because I've met her. I know her, she knows me and smiles when she hears her mama and daddy's voice. I've seen her watch her brothers, rolling and twisting to follow their sounds. She's a living,breathing part of our family. And I thank God that I got to see my baby girl with pink in her cheeks because I know many mommas who never even got that chance. The pain of losing a child is hard no matter if they are 0 or 50.

I'm scared.

I want to just be with her, spend every waking second with her, and sitting here at work doing nothing while she's across the street at home is eating at me. I know I shouldn't be thinking and stressing about the possibility of her death. But I can't help it. Its real and very possible and I am searching for some of that strength I was able to find before she was born.

I still find hope in that Gods plan is bigger then mine. Nothing in this situation is in my control- there is nothing else I can do to plan or prepare for what's to come. In 5 weeks, I may be on my knees, asking for God to give me something positive to hold on to or I could be on my knees, praising God for protecting my baby. But either way, I'll be on my knees.

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