Saturday, February 5, 2011

Tangents- Warning: I go on a lot

As the rest of the country battles out blizzards and ice storms, here in Florida, the sunshine states holds true to its nickname and we are enjoying sunny and 80 degree weather. A small (very small) part of me is jealous my northern friends are enjoying snow days, but I couldn't help but smile as I soaked up the sun with my daughter and watched the MIL play with the boys in the pool. Its good to be where we are.

I am looking forward to the return of my husband today, who took the weekend for a guys trip out west- beer, golf and bonding with his buddies from Wisconsin. I like him to get his guy time, but I am missing him something fierce. Panic always sets in when we are separated. I have an unhealthy fear of losing him. He is my rock, my best friend, and my everything (and then theres the I can't raise our kids without him factor as well) And although, yes, I know its more likely to get in a car crash then a plane crash, flying sets my anxiety in high gear. I fear someday it will consume me so bad that I wont step foot on a plane- or let anyone I love step foot on one either. Same goes for my crazy fear of water. I panic in more then an ankle deep in water- even sometimes in the bathtub and the pool. Well, not really the bathtub anymore, but I saw Jaws way too young as a kid and for years after swore a Great White was going to bust through the bath tiles any moment. I picture sharks, snakes, gators (thanks to living in Florida) and all other harmful water critters swimming around me and it completely ruins it. I hate being afraid. I envy my friends who jump into gator infested lakes and shark infested waters completely calm and relaxed with the knowledge that it is so rare they will attack. Me, I know the odds, but I fear to be that one person who does get attacked. I swear I check all corners of the pool for a gator every time we go because the pool is right next to our lake (home to a 7 foot gator). There is a huge fence around the whole thing and I doubt a gator could survive in chlorine, but my mind still goes there.

What was I talking about? O ya, so my husband comes home today and I am so excited for him to see how well the boys are doing with the potty and how much stronger Fiona has gotten in just three days. Three therapy seasons (PT,ST and ITD), a few new toys and she is looking more like a 6 month old then her previous 0-3 month lag. Breiden is in this phase where, when is he gets in trouble, he cries for the parent that is not disciplining him. I am not sure why he thinks this will help his situation because my husband and I work together and do not undermine the others discipline. But still, my heart just melts when he tells me, through his tears, " I want Daddy. I miss Daddy so much". Gavin keeps asking when he gets to go on a trip like Daddy, and both of them seem worried that I am going to go back to the hospital ( since in the last year, that is the only time Mommy goes away for awhile, when Fiona is in the hospital). Its hard to explain to a 2-3 year old time. Saying Daddy will be home tomorrow doesn't really make too much sense to them because they don't understand the concept of tomorrow. They know time in terms more like, "when you wake up from your nap" "when Diego is done" "when all the food on your plate is gone". I have just been dodging the subject, telling them that he loves them and his having fun on his trip. And then that gets Gavin talking about going on a trip and before you know it we have moved on to a different subject. Small minds are easily distracted.

I don't sleep well when my husband is not here, and apparently neither does Fiona. My perfect, sleep 12 hours a night baby since 1 month of age, has woken up at 3:30am sharp each night he has been gone. And with me not being able to fall asleep till close to 1, that leaves me very sleep deprived. Its midnight right now, and I can't sleep and I am dreading a repeat of the last few nights. We have a long day tomorrow, what with Super Bowl Sunday (Go Pack Go!) and a mad rush to clean the disaster that we have let the house get in with my OCD husband being gone ( lots of crafting for Valentines Day and Fionas up-coming 6 month photo shoot!). I dream of a bigger house someday because 5 in our single family home feels cramped, but at least thats less space to clean up. The more I think about it, seems the better solution is to down size our stuff, not up size the house.

So I sit here writing, thinking about the hundred things on my to-do list today, and wondering why the heck I just don't go to bed already. Hoping getting some things off my mind will help the gears wind down so I can get some rest. Doubtful.

1 comment:

  1. LOL you are a woman. We all have those fears, especially when what we have is special... Thanks for all the advice and support. I stressed too much with my first inregards to pumping so, I have been drinking my tea, which helps with my let down and snacking in between to help with my pumping.

    regards to you and your family. Come by soon.


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