I have thought about writing this post a hundred times in the last 24 hours. I even started to write it yesterday at work, but was in such a place of discontent, everything coming off my fingers was bitter and sarcastic and not at all what I want to put out there in print. And last night, I glanced at the computer, only to shut it and snuggle on the couch with my kids, who came running to me the second I walked in the door, "Mommy you home! Mommy you not go an-ee-where!"
I am not happy with the situation we are stuck in right now in life. Just saying that makes me feel better but stupid at the same time. I'm living in a country where I am in the top 5% most wealthiest people in the world. I have millions of resources at my finger tips, a loving helpful husband, three amazing kids, the blessing that both my husband and my self have employment, and the list goes on and on. But my plate is too full. Too many responsibilities have lead to the plate cracking. Or, more, just me cracking.
Who am I to complain? Really, who am I that I should ever have the nerve to think that I deserve anything better? Its our American way to think that someone owes us something. That we work hard and should be compensated in some way for that. Like an ex-boss that I worked for that charged an exuberant amount for his hair services because he worked that hard and is that good and "deserves" it. Its hair. There are people who work in mines for weeks on end, sweat blood and tears and do not make a quarter of what he makes, and he has the nerve to think that he deserves it.
We have been dealt a more difficult card with Fiona. I could sit here and complain for hours about the struggles and stress we go through for the sake of our little girl. But just when I think this is the worst thing ever, I walk into a doctors office where a single mother is there with her 2 year old son. He is on an oxygen tank...paralyzed... severely mentally handicapped. I am not a strong mom. She is.
That's why I feel stupid. Any of my hurdles are minute in comparison to what a vast majority over come. We have more support emotionally and financially then a lot of people. I get to see my husband at least a few hours every week and do at least one fun activity with my kids each week. I want more then that. And I catch myself grinding my teeth as I style stay-at-home mom's hair as they talk about all the family time and activities they do. For me, its like listening to someone talk about their vacation to Italy. (Really just chose Italy for this analogy from no where- but re-reading this made me remember the poem all special needs parents are familiar with- Welcome to Holland). So I cracked that every family day we get is interrupted by a visit to some doctor and that my husband works weekends and we use all of our vacation days on birthday parties instead of real vacations. I cracked that doctors never have an appointment at any convenient time and I am always having to rearrange someones schedule. Basically, I am talking in circles. ( Remember, this is my therapy). I have a lot to be thankful for, but I am human and sometimes need to complain. I need some of those rose-coloured glasses so I can just see the beauty in everything. I know its there.