Saturday, September 17, 2011

Dear Gavin and Breiden-

   Staying home with you kids is one of the most rewarding blessings in my life. That being said...

I am struggling to find the energy to keep up with the demands this money-less job requires. You break me down slowly with the torment of whines and cries, and make my blood boil with the fighting, lying, and destroying everything in your path. Must you touch and throw everything you walk by? Its like two little tornadoes are whirling around me, and just when I get one step ahead, you pull me three steps back. The house is always a mess. And not like "O my house is a mess" and there are just a few things out of place and a room that no one will see full of laundry. Mess like fans that have not been dusted in months, floors that, although swept daily, are covered in crumbs and sticky apple juice spills. 8 loads of laundry waiting to be put away, two sinks full of dishes as well as a load in the dishwasher, trains and trucks and baby dolls at every step. Messes that I cannot get rid of. Because just when I can't take the mess any more and I muster up the energy to really clean it, not a half hour into the next day, those two tornado's hit again and my hard work is destroyed. I've tried the clean as you go way too. Ya, that was even more frustrating.

I love being home with you. I'd take this stress, the stress that leaves me with a constant headache and the need for caffeine to make it through the day, over the stress of not being with you. Some days, or moments, are good. Really good. Like yesterday, we had a three hour excursion to buy friends birthday gifts and go to the playground. And you were angels. That were quiet and polite in the stores and made friends and shared at the park. The moments that we have enjoying Popsicles on our driveway, or making Fiona laugh as I am putting her brace on, or playing in bed, or trying on our Halloween costumes. Actually, that last one has caused me equally as much stress as joy because you want to put them on every 5 minutes.

Those mixed half amazing have horrible situations make up a lot of our activities. For example, playing at the beach- amazing. Fiona hating the sun in her eyes while refusing to wear glasses or a hat and you two screaming about having sand on your feet the whole walk to the car- horrible.

I wish the driveway moments were the majority of our time. But you are three. And everything is dramatic. Not getting your way is the end of the world, and you pull every move from the sad face to screaming to stomping your feet as you march away saying "NOT FAIR!". I am sorry its not fair that you can not have ice cream for breakfast, or you can't swing your baseball bat in the house by our plasma TV, or you can't drag your sister around the house by her feet,  or you can't have candy for dinner. ( Most of our disagreements are over you wanting sugar). I am a pretty strict parent, but my rules are only there for your safety and health. I can handle a lot of whining and am really good at sending you to your room. But you are both suborn as mules. You don't seem to learn from yesterdays mistakes and  Mommy time outs seem to becoming more frequent just to maintain some sanity.

And then, at the end of the day, after running ten errands with crabby kids who don't want to be in the car, breaking up a hundred fights over who's toy is whose, after going to play groups for some entertainment only to leave more stressed from trying to control my kids in public, after carrying Fiona on my hip for the last 5 hours because she refused to be put down, after making calls and setting up appointments having to walk circles around the house to get away from the noise, after cleaning up the huge spill that enviably happens every day with either a drink, or sauce or a glass jar of jelly. I look at the house. And I look at the chair. And I pick up the toys on the way to the chair. And here I crash, and let my self get sucked into the 1,2, 3 hours of me time I am barely awake for, to my little addiction I have to the Internet. Talking to friends, catching up through photos, indulging in some lift my spirits reading and writing some of my own. And recently, realizing though all of that is refreshing, I have been missing the most important kind of reading and conversation. With God. While starting my day with devotions is not an option since I am woken up anywhere between 5 and 9 by you guys, I can at least end my day with it. So maybe the house doesn't get cleaned and my husband thinks my priorities are a little skewed. But I hold on to the little sliver of sanity I still have. The tiny bit that hasn't been snapped by a whine just yet. And I reflect on the good moments. Like Breiden, you pointing out that "Woody and Buzz are best friends, just like me and Gav".  I make my list of what needs to be done tomorrow, the list that I still will manage to forget to do half of, and refresh my self for life as a stay at home mom. The bittersweet life as a stay at home mom.

Remember this, boys, one day when your amazing wives-to-be are staying home with your future kids. Well, unless, you turn out to be millionaires who hire nannies and maids and she spends all day spending your money and getting pedicures. Then, and only then, can you give her hell that she has it better then you.



1 comment:

  1. OMG Shay..... I miss them so much. I have to get this place in order so they can come see Mimi's new place. In the meantime,
    I will come to your house soon.


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