I like the letter to my kids, and I think I will continue doing those every once in a while. But I also enjoy writing to the anonymous. Some ebb and flow... a little bit for you.... a little bit for us.
Having an audience keeps me accountable. It keeps me accountable to take pictures- something I did a lot less of when I didn't have somewhere to post them. It keeps me accountable to be positive. See my life through a different pair of glasses. Because its easy for me to forget how great we have it when I am so close to it all day long. Stepping back here and reviewing my days on how I want to remember them forces me to notice things that I otherwise let slip through the cracks.
This past week I did not blog at all. Not even privately. I knew my kids would be okay if I did not document just one week of their lives. So I took a break. I did some projects, organized the house in hopes it would make it easier to keep it clean in the future, dove into training for an up coming 5K, and reconnected with something I have severely neglected in my life, reading His Word.
I am a Christian. And I know I have touched on my faith before in the past, but its always a side note. A small mention on how my strength comes from God. For the most part, I am quiet about my faith, at least here. Because I know what reading those words does for a lot of people. It turns them off. They make assumptions about me and my family. They discredit my strength with Fiona because I believe in something. They stop listening to my fight for choosing life or adopting special needs because they are looking for another reason other then "because God says so".
And this was my big realization that made me take my blog private. I was wrapped up in what people think of what I am saying. As if anything I would do would enlighten people, move people, change peoples minds. I was hiding the real reason why I am where I am today so that people would listen to me. I was hiding God and I needed some humbling.
So, I am a Christian. And I am working on making Him my number one priority. Every ounce of strength and hope I get in any situation comes from my faith that God is in control.
People have been asking a lot lately how Fiona is doing. And for the first time, I have not much to say. Literally nothing other then "good". Well, I could go into all the detail that her braces are now off during the day and she is enjoying every activity to its fullest. Her heart is fixed with no sign of future surgeries and her tubes seem to be working. Medically, she is good. Physically, she is delayed, but still good. Crawling is possibly around the corner, she looks like she wants to, but the second it gets too hard she gives up. She's a true princess. But that's not what people are asking. They are asking whats the next thing we have to deal with. We are all waiting for the other shoe to fall off. For another big hurdle to jump. Even I have thoughts of luekema, seizures, and other common issues that may pop up. But right now, there is no next thing. Right now, she is good.
Meeting new people is always a tad awkward and leaves me in a personal debate. Do I tell them or do I leave them wondering. The first question is always "How old is she?"... " 13 months" I say proudly. The smile disappears. They look from me to her and then ask, "How big was she when she was born?", sincere concern is in their eyes. Oh, so they noticed she doesn't look like she is even one. "6'8" I say proudly again. Their thoughts are written on their eyes. Whats wrong with the baby, shes too small. Then they notice that she doesn't crawl when I put her down. And they smile as they stare at her and try to figure it out. I don't want to jump start every new conversation with "She has Down syndrome and had a heart condition" but this whole uneasy conversation that takes place every.single.time I meet someone new doesn't seem the way to go either. Its like I am holding my breath for the first ten minutes, waiting for the big white elephant in the room to be brought up. I find my self thinking, if only she looked more Down syndrome... which always makes me smile because pregnant me had once prayed that she would look normal.
3.1 miles is a lot harder then I thought. Probably has something to do with the fact that I haven't run since the week I found out I was expecting Fiona, which was, oh... 22 months ago. Minus that one time I ran a month or so ago and got shin splintz that put me out of commission for a week. I've yet to run the full distance, 2.62 is the farthest I've gotten. But that was with just two weeks of training and I still have 9 more weeks till the race. Between using muscles that haven't been used in far too long, and the nice black eye I am sporting thanks to my headbutting son (okay, it was my fault- I tickled him and he arched back in laughter right into my face) I look like a mess. But I am sure once all this aching goes away, I am going to feel great :).
The art student in me has been reawakened with the discovery of Pinterest . Since money isn't exactly a-flowin, but my creative juices are, I have been taking ideas I find on there and recreating them for my house. I had forgotten how much I love to paint. And how much more rewarding making something for your house is then buying something. And thankfully, I have a little bit of craftiness and a little bit of art school to back me up in my endevers. My refurbishing of our plain off-white Rooms-To-Go lamp shade was my favorite project. (Gotta love some cheap fabric and mod podge)
So basically, while I removed one time suck out of my life, I took up about three more and am now bringing this one back in. But hopefully, my priorities are in better order now. Now that I am focusing on the right thing.