Friday, May 18, 2012

Priorities

I have a one track mind. I can multitask like no ones business... if its stuff that doesn't require thought. But when my mind gets wrapped in something, it tunnel visions. Hense, my husbands frustration when I am on the computer, or reading a book, or just deep in thought. He might as well be talking to a wall because my mind is only absorbing whats directly in front of me. I am convinced this is genetic and I have my parents to blame. Or wait, does that mean that its environmental since my parents dont share genes? Either way, I have intense focus.

Which is great for getting things done. When I start something, it gets finished. Of course everything else gets neglected in the meanwhile, but my projects always get finished. The question "how do you find time to write, read, crochet, paint, run, fill-in-the-blank?" perplexes me. This is probably because I am the furthest thing from a type A, OCD person. No, those types of people don't have time for much because everything has to be a certain way to work. I can cook in a messy kitchen, leave home with a living room floor full of laundry, sit down and put up my feet with half of the kids dinner yet to be swept up from under the table. Not that I like to, but I can. This is something that is difficult for a lot of people, including my type A, OCD husband who literally cannot function, or at least function in a good mood, if things are in a disarray. For me, I can happily say, "my house might not be clean, but we did so much today!" and feel fulfilled. we all have down time, no matter how busy we are (for me I often stay up well past midnight for my down time), we just choose to use it with our own priorities. Its really easy to find time when your priorities are screwed up like mine are, or straight, depending on how you view it.

So for two days, laundry piled, toys lay happily on the floor along side crumbs and probably a few sticky juice splashes, and I painted. Because my mind was tunneled visioned on my project.  I know, its bad. Along with house chores, my kids did not have my full attention. Feed, clothe, and keep safe were as much as they got out of me. Although, I did let the boys paint and they fully know their color wheel now (something I am so proud of) and Fiona, well she is happy to just sit at my feet with her "magic wand" paintbrush. And, after all, this project was for them. Oh, and they love it :)

My not so perfect, free handed, masterpieces


Project finished, spell is broken- today was catch up on the house and pour that concentration of mine on four people I love with every ounce of my being.

Can we say " two year old molars?!" Ag, that means that my baby is almost 2!
May 18th is a special day for my husband and I. I wouldn't have wanted to spend it any other way then just an everyday-extraordinary way. Something like a morning of running errands with my family, a stop at a sprinkler park, some thrifting, front yard water play and a date night with my better half. There is only one thing that would have made it sweeter- if my husband wasn't spending the night elsewhere because of an early morning fishing trip. Ah, our life it so tough.

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Sorry if my description of my household grossed you out. You are probably a type A person. Don't fret, all the sticky juice splashes have been wiped up and you wont find one toy on my floor... till tomorrow morning.

Monday, May 14, 2012

How sweet the sound

"Swish..swish..swish..swish..swish..swish.."

That sweet sound of a baby's heart that brings excitement and comfort. Excitement for the living being whose heart is beating in your womb, and comfort that they are still there. To learn that that beautiful sound was coming from a very tiny broken heart, that that swish was being pumped purely by the swish of my own heart, shattered my own. Broken.

It didn't take long for her beautifully flushed pink cheeks to lose the swish from my heart, leaving a dusty, struggling tiny life. But I didn't see that. I saw my heart, bundled in hospital cloth with a creamsicle-colored crochet hat I made her. And more then that,  I saw the strongest human being I had ever laid eyes on. She was 19 inches long and 6.8lbs, and fighting a failing heart.


Every moment with her has brought pieces of my shattered heart back together. The biggest chunk finding back its place as I held my baby in the comfort of our home a week after her surgery. Piece by piece, my heart that was broken by the fear of life taking an unexpected turn, its building its self back together. And bonding  together with the strength from my little fighter, my heart is thousand times over stronger then it was before.



I am frequently reminded of two things. That life is precious, and it can always be worse. Gratefulness shouldn't be an after thought, but the whole way of life.


Sorrow is better then laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us- King Solomon


Why do bad things happen to good people? While I am not arrogant enough to claim I am a good person, I can say that we need the bad to grow. My daughter surviving a life threatening heart condition is not awful. Its in every way wonderful. Not every story has an apparently good ending, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have one. And my heart aches for those whose pain is much deeper then mine ever was, the heart shattered not into millions but trillions of pieces.


As I once again listened to the swish..swish..swish of my daughters now perfect heart this morning, I felt excitement and comfort. Excitement that I get to spend my days with this amazing sweet little girl and comfort that He is in control. Now, out of the storm, I can appreciate what is growing from the rain.


Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Survivng Motherhood

Sitting in my Ob's office over 2 years ago, my eyes laid upon the cover of a parenting magazine. It was proclaiming that those who were moms were more likely to be sad and depressed. I couldn't resist reading the article, which went on to say that those who do not have children are happier then those that do. And the more children, the more unhappy.

And here I was about to have child number 3.

Happy is such a funny word. It is used so flippantly, so carelessly, as if it has a simple meaning. What defines happiness? The age-long question.

4 years into this journey, I know I would be much happier without kids. I am stressed out, sleep deprived, and over worked every day of my life. I have three people who take from me, need from me, want from me every minute of every day, like a tree being pecked by a woodpecker, and no pay check to show for it. Actually, I have a bank account that frequently is close to being over drawn because of it. When I want to sit, I have to help them. When I want to eat, I have to serve them. When I want to sleep, I have to get up and care for them. I am drained, worn out, and at sometimes, sad for the loss of self that happens when you have children. Because parenting isn't about you- its about them.



4 years into this journey, I couldn't be happier with kids. I wake up to 6 little loving arms every morning, reaching to hug me. Kisses are like water in our house- a necessity and abundant. I spend a lot of time re-entering into childhood, playing dress up, coloring and reading books about princesses and pirates. My skin stays sun-kissed from laying in the grass or by the pool, watching three little pieces of me enjoy life. Their smiles and laughter are like a drug, a rush to the head. Their accomplishments bring me more pride then my own, and their delight is my delight.


Motherhood is everything to the extreme.



Life is more painful, but more joyful. More crazy, but more meaningful. It makes you want to escape, while at the same time draws you in. Motherhood has brought me my greatest joy, fear, hope, pain, love, dread, happiness, and yes, sadness.

If I am learning anything its not to think about the "could have beens". The odds may be against me to be happy, but life is how you perceive it. They complete me in a way that I will never take for granted.



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Happy Mothers Day to all the amazing moms I know, including my own three and my two sister in laws.

Monday, May 7, 2012

A Little Randomness

There are now four crystal clear blue eyes peering out of thick glass lens in my home now. I adore the new look it gives my boys, it seems over night they have matured so much. O ya, and we have to go back to our old code of Breiden in Blue- Gavin in Green.



Breiden has the brain of a 20 year old. Maybe not academically, but definitely in wit and understanding. He is past (pretty much) the stage of temper-tantrums, and now comes at you with reasoning and very thought-through negotiations. Its a little funny, but a little scary. This kid is going to either be a salesman or a lawyer- he is good at talking.


Gavin is a little bit more like me, and a lot more like my dad. He is more on the introvert side... the kind that either once he is warmed up or feels very comfortable then becomes an extrovert. He's crazy. Spastic. Timid. Stubborn and determined. While Breiden is more the sweet talker, telling me I am pretty and his best friend, Gavin is my sweet heart. He is very tuned into peoples emotions, noticing when someone is sad or hurt and tries to help. He is less organized then Breiden, always losing things and not as careful with his stuff. I was more worried about the responsibility of glasses with him, and although we have had a few incidences already of him taking them off and not putting them in their case, he actually is doing much better then I thought he would. It is an unbelievable journey having twins and watching them both grow together and independently. The shock from that day in the ultrasound tech's room when we first saw two little flickering hearts still hasn't completely worn off.



Life has been extra sweet lately.

I don't know if the its the stronger, brighter, summer sun or something in the air, because life really hasn't been any different. Actually, my list of not-so-great stuff has been filling up with headaches, up-coming surgery, medical debt, and two almost-four-year-olds who do not listen. Which leads me to think more that its not a shift in weather, its a shift in perspective. Something I can only give God credit for.




The priorities in our house have been out a wack for way too long, and finally, we are starting to get it right.




I have never felt so sure of my faith in my life before. What has been head knowledge, now, is starting to feel so much deeper. I never knew what I was missing out on.



Fiona is talking now. She has the sweetest, girliest "Hi" you ever heard, and she just loves to say it. She also says "da" for yes, "ba-da" for brother, "da-da" for daddy (another favorite), "bay" for baby, and a few other random words that she can mimic. Some where along the line there was a miscommunication about mama, because when I say mama she points to herself. I am thinking this is because I point to myself when I say it.

She is also bear crawling.


I work with the kids at our church, helping out, watching them during one of the services every week. I love it. If I didn't have kids of my own, I definitely still would be babysitting for others and working with kids in the nursery. This past week I worked in the One's room, Fiona's room. It was pretty awesome to see her with her peers. Although, physically, she is behind in her motor skills, she looks like she belongs in that room. I think I was smiling the entire time, watching her play with the pretend food and baby dolls and interacting with the other little one year olds. She is so independent, so normal. And not because she is "higher functioning" or mosaic or "better", because she is Fiona and this is her personality. Shes curious, outgoing, loving, patient (except when it comes to food). She's quite the celebrity at our church. I felt so cool being like, "Ya, I'm Fiona's mom", because everyone seems to know her. And not because she is "special", but just because she is so darn sweet. Did I mention this was a brag on my kids post?


Fi and our friend Trish

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To follow me on instagram I am shannonblaeske

I am thankful for good company, good weather and good times. I am thankful for order. I am thankful for migraine medicine. I am thankful for unexpected game changers. I am thankful for forgiveness. But mostly
this week, I am thankful for perspective. 

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Puddle Jumping

Its a rare week in Florida, were gray skies out number the blue and rain is not a clock work once-a-day, but, drizzling on and off all day long. Kind of like this headache that hasn't left my side for over a week now, one which medicine does little to relieve. Do you know how impossible it is to nurse a headache away with three kids to look after? Noise and light echo in my head, pounding like a drum on my swollen nerves. I have had very few windows of peace up there, but when I have, I have enjoyed it fully. (Thankful for a current break from my pain and hoping it is gone for good now)




We are dog sitting for our neighbor friends and I am finding it surprisingly more delightful then I anticipated. See, I am kind of like how most people are with kids when it comes to dogs- I love to play with them, I just don't want one of my own to take care of. But I have to admit, these two little furry friends are a welcome challenge, and I am finding myself letting them hang out at our house more and more in between walks.


Backing up a few days, I survived a four-day-alone experience with my three kids as my husband partied in LA with his buddies ( not jealous or anything). Actually, come to think of it, maybe this is what triggered all of these migraines, so I am not sure how well I survived. I may or may not have let the kids sleep with me, and let them stay up way later then normal, watching movies and having "camp outs". That was not a good set up for an early morning T-ball game in which I had to wake up my half dead kids to get them there on time. Breiden was so out of it he refused to play. Actually, I am pretty sure he quit baseball "forever", but we will see what tune he sings this Saturday after a good night sleep.





Fiona is completely opposite then her brothers when it comes to morning... no matter how much sleep, she always wakes up with a smile on her face. As soon as she registers my voice, she pops right up, lifts her arms above her head and throws her head back with a sleepy-eyed cheesy smile. She is my sunshine.


Guess who failed their eye exam as well?


Glasses are ordered for Gavin and should be here Friday. Good luck telling the boys apart, I barely can now with glasses. Aren't they just so flipping handsome with four eyes?


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To follow me on Instagram I am shannonblaeske
 Here's to sunny, migraine-free days of raising more technology addicted little ones :) Happy May 1st!

 
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