And here I was about to have child number 3.
Happy is such a funny word. It is used so flippantly, so carelessly, as if it has a simple meaning. What defines happiness? The age-long question.
4 years into this journey, I know I would be much happier without kids. I am stressed out, sleep deprived, and over worked every day of my life. I have three people who take from me, need from me, want from me every minute of every day, like a tree being pecked by a woodpecker, and no pay check to show for it. Actually, I have a bank account that frequently is close to being over drawn because of it. When I want to sit, I have to help them. When I want to eat, I have to serve them. When I want to sleep, I have to get up and care for them. I am drained, worn out, and at sometimes, sad for the loss of self that happens when you have children. Because parenting isn't about you- its about them.
4 years into this journey, I couldn't be happier with kids. I wake up to 6 little loving arms every morning, reaching to hug me. Kisses are like water in our house- a necessity and abundant. I spend a lot of time re-entering into childhood, playing dress up, coloring and reading books about princesses and pirates. My skin stays sun-kissed from laying in the grass or by the pool, watching three little pieces of me enjoy life. Their smiles and laughter are like a drug, a rush to the head. Their accomplishments bring me more pride then my own, and their delight is my delight.
Motherhood is everything to the extreme.
Life is more painful, but more joyful. More crazy, but more meaningful. It makes you want to escape, while at the same time draws you in. Motherhood has brought me my greatest joy, fear, hope, pain, love, dread, happiness, and yes, sadness.
If I am learning anything its not to think about the "could have beens". The odds may be against me to be happy, but life is how you perceive it. They complete me in a way that I will never take for granted.
Happy Mothers Day to all the amazing moms I know, including my own three and my two sister in laws.