Sunday, September 23, 2012

Fear and Trust

A lot of bad has been happening to people I know. Dying bad, tragic bad, babies without mothers and mothers without babies bad. But as Robert Frost once said, "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on". It does. Whether or not we are here to experience it physically or even mentally, it keeps going. And I am grateful to have faith that behind everything, there is a purpose. That it doesn't just keep going as if nothing happened, but that because of a greater plan, all life has a purpose. I believe that with all my heart. If I had three words to sum up life, mine would be, He is faithful.

The first year of Fiona's life, along with the 6 months prenatally we knew she had some health problems, were insane. I dreaded to go back and reread blog posts from that time to let it all sink back in just how blessed we are that she is alive and well. Its been over a year since we have been in the hospital for anything, a place that once very much felt like our second home. And she has blossomed into a full blown toddler, cruising the house at speeds that near catch her brothers (okay, honestly there is a good 60 second lag in between when they get somewhere and she does, but those sea legs are definitely more used to land). She is my morning sunshine, my daily dose of joy. My three bless me, and oh how my cup is full.

If I am not careful, the fears creep in. Normal fears, like car accidents, kidnapping, choking. And then there are the extreme, not so common fears. With Fiona, there has always been one thing that sends me into anxiety-stricken panic... leukemia. Most people, I don't think, sit in fear of their child developing childhood cancer, but because of Down syndrome, Fiona is at a greater odd of developing it. So for me, I am constantly reminded of the possibility. I pray and beg, please God, don't lead us down that road. And up pops an odd bruise on Fiona's shoulder.

Its probably nothing, just a reaction to a bug bite. I am sure that's all it is. Yet there is a nagging in the back of my mind wanting to freak out. I have just been surrounded by cancer so much lately and praying that it has not been for the purpose of preparing me for our own journey. I am sure most of you readers, considering a huge chunk of you have kids with Down syndrome, know about Coco. And then there is Lili that you will meet in my next post. And Max here locally. All three are around the age of 3, have Down syndrome and are battling leukemia. And then a 13 year old brother of a friend of my husband has a growing tumor wrapped around his brain, a mother of two young girls going in on Tuesday for brain surgery to remove her benign tumor, and a mother to a seven and a little four year old, that goes to my boys school, who just lost her battle with melanoma. Every where I turn, someone is battling cancer. Almost every person I am close to on a daily basis is dealing with watching a loved one fight it.

Fiona is due for her blood work. I've missed the appointment twice. Subconsciously, I think I am just scared to get the results.

So tomorrow, my alarm is set to call Quest Diagnostic, yet again, and schedule her blood work, yet again. I am trying to take comfort in that God usually doesn't give me my worst fears, He blindsides me with things I never even considered. He's great like that, always letting me know how in control He is. I am sure most of this is all in my head, just my anxiety at its best. But whether or not cancer becomes a part of my life, regardless I still say, He is faithful. Oh, how he is faithful even in the midst of pain.

1 comment:

  1. It is a place I never thought I would be again...normal...with no hospital or doctor appointments in our forecast...I think I am enjoying it more...not taking so much for granted...the c word is something that freaks me out always there...I figure if I respect it could happen it won't happen...silly but it has kept us the pix..smiles


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