I have mentioned before how I struggle with the accusation that because I knew Fiona had Down syndrome prenatally I acted selfishly to still continue the pregnancy. When I look at my beautiful little girl, full of life and laughter, its insane to think of the alternative. Her worth is apparent pretty much to all, now that she is out in the world, gushing with awesomeness (if I do say so my self). Her life is not going to be typical, she has had to struggled through health issues we were aware of before she was born, and I can guarantee that she will endure emotional pain due to her extra chromosome, as well as we her family endure emotional pain also. But... in spite of that, I choose to give her life. I choose to let her live, and feel and make her own decisions and prove her own potential, because I love her.
To some people this just doesn't make sense. They say that's not love, that's selfishness.
Although I have heard "God is love" all my life, I never really fully wrapped my head around it. I have said it, and nodded my head in agreement to it, but it was something that never made it all the way from my head to my heart. Till something struck me the other day.
He gave me life knowing I was going to struggle. He gave me life knowing I would get hurt, and fall, and feel pain, and be made fun of. Even more, He gave me life knowing that I would turn my back on Him. That I would hurt him, fail him, even at times spit at him.
I finally understood how much he loved me.
He loved me that much that He choose to give me life, to let me feel, make my own decisions and achieve my own potential, because He loves me.
Although I have been a believer most of my life, there have been many doubts I have had about my faith. Philippians 15 tells us that if you disagree on some point, God will make it plain to you. And there are lots I have disagreed with. I questioned God many times why He even created us all? Why make us when He knew we would sin, that He knew we would fall, and He knew that so few would ever come back to Him. To me, that doesn't seem like love... it seemed selfish. .But the earth shattering realization was that I know how deeply my heart ached for Fiona, regardless of what I knew her future probably held. To me my love for her was so strong just one day with her would be worth any pain I would endure. How much more must my Father love me to willingly create me knowing my every sin, my every failure, everything that would cause him grief from my life- that He wanted me to have the chance to love Him back.
I know its not popular to be a believer in our post modern society. The Bible predicts that. Trust me, I know that understanding one thing just opens the door for another hundred questions. I have already asked many stemming from what I just explained. I wont be able to explain everything, some things are beyond my comprehension. And that does not sit easy with people who need tangible answers, it at times is not easy for me. But this understanding of just how much He loves me, its made me realize just how much I want to know Him, regardless of my doubts.
I used to look for ways of talking around or sugar-coating my faith or my pro-life views as to not turn off people who have a bad taste for Christianity and are staunchly pro-choice. Its much cooler to be into universal-ism- your god is your god and mine is mine and nature is my church- type thinking. But the truth is, me accepting my daughter for exactly how she is has everything to do with my faith. And not because I am following some rule of my religion, but because I completely recognize God was pro-life with me.
And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high and how deep his love is- Ephesians 3:18