Monday, May 26, 2014

A different memorial day

As I was falling asleep last night, I prayed that somehow I would wake up before the rest of the household this morning as, you see, most mornings, my alarm clock is a little head poking over the side of my bed whispering "mama".  I have little hope of a few moments of silence to my self ever in the mornings. Waking at 4:45am wasn't exactly what I was thinking, but my prayer was answered. My body is manifesting stress, even though I am trying to subdue it, in ways like sleeplessness. A huge chapter of my life is closing, and although I am beyond ready to move onto the next, my heart is heavy to say goodbye.

I know this move wouldn't be happening if she was still here.

That knowledge brings its own wave of feelings. A greater trust in God's ultimate plan, but also a deep sorrow that in a sense, I am leaving her behind here. I have been asking the boys what they remember about their Mimi, and its getting harder and harder for them to think of actual things about her. They remember her house, or the things she got them. And I knew, being just 4 when she passed, that there wouldn't be much memories as they grew. It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that Fiona won't remember her at all, and that my future nieces and nephews, if my sister has kids, will never know her. My mom suffered a lot and didn't find joy in much. But her daughters, her grand kids and her nieces and nephews were her sunshine. We were the thing that brought out a true genuine smile of joy from her.

 I watched depression do some horrible things to my mother. I endured much emotional abuse from her as she tried to handle her problems her self. No matter what I did, it was never enough. It was heart-wrenching to be pushed away so often, and then to be told that I wasn't there for her. Depression blinds people from seeing love. The last few weeks I had with her, as her mind began slipping away, there were precious brief moments of clarity where that veil of depression lifted and she saw how much she was loved. Everything she had blamed me for, blamed my father for, she saw the true culprit. It was wrecking to see in her eyes the sadness that it was too late now. But a gift to finally know she knows that I loved her. In the end, that's all we wanted. For her to know we love her.

When I woke, at 4:45am this morning, I checked Instagram as I normally do because I am a social media addict. There was the announcement that a friend has gone into labor! I couldn't think of better news to wake up to. There is a much bigger plan to this world then my spec of a life and as I mourn a loss, I am eager to welcome a new life.  Actually many new lives coming just in our circle this year. This is a year of change. Moves, weddings, babies, and deaths. Life is happening. And I am excited to see what God has in store for our family and friends. He has taught me that His Will is good and trust worthy. Even in sorrow, His Will brings comfort. There is nothing I cannot face, nothing too wrecking, that leaning into Him can't get me through. And not just through, but with joy.

They say the first year is the hardest. The first Christmas without her, the first birthday without her, the first mothers day without her. Many tears were shed this year. But I am so thankful for the community God has surrounded me with, near and far, that continues to bless my life and honor my mothers memory with me. This Memorial Day is for you, Mom.

Judith Ann Tryon
8.25.1962 - 5.26.2013

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful. it wasn't easy growing up with her either. but now all the pieces to the puzzle have come together. Please feel free to reach out to me if you ever need to talk. Love you guys. It is a hard day for many people to day. But I pray especially for you and Shelby. thank God for the good memories and try to put the bad into the past. I know it is hard. Always in my thoughts and prayers.


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